2012-02-09, 8:09 p.m.





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dear diary, u know i'm only here when I'm either too happy, or too broken n sad... And today is just not my day... :'(

I'm shaken...and in fact i'm shaking, physically, too. Maybe it was my fault. I feel bad. I just yelled n screamed frantically at him - the one i love the most. :'( I feel bad that i couldn't control my anger, but i'm too hurt that it feels as though my heart is sliced with a sharp knife. Maybe I've been so paranoid. I think so. But you see, I was mad. What happened really hurt me that much. Maybe I was wrong to expect so much from someone I love so dearly...and so sweet like him...but you see, if you are wearing my shoes, and if you know what i do all day and the way i think of him everyday, maybe you would understand why I would feel hurt.

And yes, I do, I truly love him, to the point I never look at anyone else. I really, really do. And not many does this. Every girlfriends I know don't do what i do. They all have boyfriends and they also adore other good looking guys. And I believe if they're boyfriend hears how they swoon over other guys, I don't think the boyfriends will like it. And it is not the same with me. I never have the need to adore anyone else other than him. It is what I do so willingly because I really do love him, and him only. It is part of my actions for showing my devotion and loyalty to him.

So....now....am i asking too much to hope n expect at least a similar reaction from his part.......?


i feel betrayed...ignored...

tonight's gonna be a long, windy, and cold night for me.....

dear diray, im sorry that i abuse you all the time with my miserable stories... I was miserable... and then I got better... but right now i feel miserable again....it brings back those old, miserable, pathetic childhood memories... You know I keep a lot of pictures from when I was little.. A lot of friends said that they are amazed that I keep a lot of my childhood photos. I know they might have think it is because I love my childhood so much, that maybe my childhood was too good... But I know myself better...I just couldn't tell them the truth though...that the reason I look back so much into my childhood is because, I lost too many things in my childhood...love mostly...I grew up feeling lonely and ignored and neglected all the time... And I know there is this something inside me that long so much for all those that I've lost... It may seem so childish and silly and so stupid of me, but I am kinda hoping that someone will be able to give me all that I've lost from my childhood... That was what I prayed every single day, when I was a child...

Yes...if you read all these, u know I'm a miserable child... I'm fragile... I only act as though I was strong and hard to all those who doesn't know me so people will never know and leave me alone.... i never take the little things in life for granted...and it really annoys me when others do that in great abundance.. i do not know how to mend this broken heart...this kind of damage will leave a scar...it's so deep within... once again...i beg for your forgiveness...that I yelled at you...that i was angry...but u dont know my heart and all the pain it has endured all these years...the things I've seen, felt, and done... I know u have stories of yours too, and so i respected all of them, or at least i tried my best to...so i hope u will as well.... ...


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