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Thank U dear backstabber.
2011-07-22, 11:21 a.m.

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Dear Diary,

New semester is starting soon. I've yet somehow to pick up my courage again. I know things are going to be at least slightly different, so I'm not putting up high hopes, if I am to be honest here.

Unlike any of my previous semesters, this new semester finds me quite well alone -- totally alone. Yes, perhaps it was, after all, my fault too. I trusted the wrong sorts. And I'm not good at making friends either. So now it doubles my trouble. I feel very lonely now just thinking about it.

But what makes me feel lonely is not because I don't have a friend. Loneliness to me is being surrounded by so many people yet you don't have anyone that you can trust. That's lonely to me. I find it much easier to be surrounded by complete strangers, than being surrounded by people whom you know and yet they are not the type of people you can truly call friends. I know it's not the same for most. And I hate the feeling of being watched. I like people to leave me completely alone, really. :(

I know you know I have issues with trust. I just find it so hard to trust people. SO HARD. I never trusted anyone all my life. I was taught that since I was a child. Heck, I didn't even trust my family before. But don't go blaming me blindly, they never truly cared about me. And they never failed to tell me how useless I was and how unlucky I was and that I was incapable of anything. It's not that I'm holding grudges towards them, which I don't. But then again, I cannot just forget it all, you see. I mean, it has been 24 long years. But at least things are improving quite a bit at home, except....hmmm..

Anyway, my issue right now is again about people. Gosh, I hate people. Maybe because I lack social skills anyway. But I guess I am right that trustworthy people are so hard to find. I have long gave up on trying to find a friend I can trust, someone you can truly call a 'friend'. And I guess, I still stand corrected. I have no intention to try to find a friend anymore. I don't feel the need to have friends. I just need a single person whom I can trust as my everything. And I believe I have found that person, so my search is over. He's all I need. And now I just have to pick up my courage to carry on my studies, alone. I know I have done this before, but it's hard. It's like you don't have backbone. But at least I have you. Thank you. I need you like a heart. I hope and pray that you are here to stay. ;(

 

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